


Showing My Gratitude

by RightHandofFenHarel



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Blood Magic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-17
Updated: 2014-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-17 17:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2318213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RightHandofFenHarel/pseuds/RightHandofFenHarel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders told Hawke that he would drown them in blood to keep him safe, but can he accept that Hawke would do the same?</p><p>Written for the <a href="http://dragonagebb.tumblr.com">Dragon Age Reverse Big Bang 2014</a> inspired by art by <a href="http://pollencount.tumblr.com/post/97739567015/my-art-for-the-darbb-you-can-find-the-master-post">pollencount</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The Hawke Company returned from Chateau Haine in a cool rain that broke the lingering heat of a summer night.  Dusk slowly began to settle on the neighborhoods of Hightown and the first candlelight from inside the houses could be seen glimmering in the windows.  Fenris was the last to leave the party as they made their way from the lower city up to the Hawke estate.

“Why do you keep him around?” Anders turned to Hawke. His nose wrinkled in disgust and his eyes narrowed.  This was a look that Hawke had come to both expect and enjoy.  For some reason, it always made him want to kiss the pout right off his face.

“Anders, must you always? He’s a loyal friend despite our differences in opinion.”

“Differences in opinion? He’s downright…”

“He’s been through enough in his life to forgive him his little foibles I think.  The same could be said for you actually.” Hawke smirked and slid his hand into Anders’. Anders, taken aback, straightened and a light blush warmed his cheeks.

“Do you think anyone else noticed that I haven’t gone home yet?” Living in Darktown, Anders should have been the first to depart the group.

“Only those who’ve been paying attention.  Anyone with eyes should have noticed by now that I only have eyes for you.”

Anders rolled his eyes.

“Your attempts at flattery lead to such exaggerated statements.”

“This coming from the man who promised that I would bathe in the blood of my enemies rather than be killed if he had any say in the matter” Hawke chuckled and gave Anders’ hand a quick squeeze.

By now the two men had reached the door to the estate.  Hawke fumbled with his key and was about to lead Anders in when a hand on his shoulder pulled him back.

“Hawke, perhaps we shouldn’t do this after all.  You really shouldn’t get too close to me. I can only bring ugliness into your life.”

An exasperated sigh escaped Hawke’s lips.

“Please, can’t you call me something other than Hawke?” He turned and rested his back on the door to the estate.  

“I do have a first name you know.  Must we always be so formal?” He reached out and pulled Anders a bit closer, holding both hands now and using his thumbs to softly explore every callus and fingerprint.

Anders looked thoughtful and then with some resolve exhaled, his entire body relaxing in the process.

“Love, I…” Hawke leaned closer.

“See, now isn’t that better?”

Hawke pulled Anders the final bit of distance towards him and their lips met.  The slight drizzle had turned into a full on downpour at this point. Even under the door’s overhang, cool droplets began to meander down Anders’ flushed and burning cheeks.  As the men parted, Hawke smiled. 

“Now, don’t you think we should go inside out of the rain and discuss whatever this is turning into?”

Anders gently pushed him further against the door. 

“I rather like it here actually.  I never got to experience being out in this kind of weather much.  I used to watch it from the tower, but it isn’t the same. And it certainly isn’t the same as being with you.”

They kissed again, Garrett’s arms slowly strengthening the embrace and his fingers winding through Anders’ hair.

Suddenly, the door swung open and the men tumbled into the estate. Bodahn dodged the pile of entwined and soggy limbs that came hurtling toward him. Sandal and Leandra, both sitting by the fire, looked up in astonishment.  As she began to grasp the situation, Leandra tried to hide the smile starting to spread across her face.  Her eyes betrayed her delight and she laughed to herself.  After the initial shock of the sound of bodies hitting the floor, Sandal seemed unfazed and turned back to his enchantments.

“Good evening, Bodahn. Kind of you to let us in.” Hawke untangled himself and began to stand up. He offered his hand to Anders who rose and dusted himself off a bit. As he looked up, his face burned red and he gestured awkwardly for Garrett to survey the rest of the scene.

“Oh, um, Mother, good evening, I was, umm, we were just…. You remember Anders right? He needs to…um… his clinic has been… overrun by…goats, yes! You know that horrible Darktown goat problem we’ve been hearing so much about.  I think he’s going to need a place to stay tonight.”           

Leandra couldn’t contain her smile any longer “Ah yes, well Garrett, your charity knows no bounds. How was the party?”

“Oh, you know. Nobles, ridiculous outfits, strange cheeses, you’ve been to one, you’ve been to them all.”

Anders had picked a spot on the floor to intently examine.

“Ah.” Leandra rose and reached for her book. “Well, I was just thinking I’d head to bed early, maybe take a good book. Enjoy your evening. Nice to see you again, Anders.”

Anders looked up quickly. “Mmm. Yes, you too.”  Back to staring at the floor.

“The books in the library could use a quick dusting, Bodahn.  Why don’t you take Sandal and finish your chores for the evening in the other room.”

“Yes, my lady. Of course!  Come, my boy!”  Bodahn scurried away, shooing Sandal along.

Once the room had cleared, Garrett leaned toward Anders. His hand covered the side of his mouth and exaggeratedly whispered, “I think we got away with it.  Do you think they noticed anything?”

The blond leaned his head into is hand and groaned in embarrassment.

“I’ve recently acquired an amusing painting.  It’s in my room and might take our minds off this awkwardness.”  He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

Anders shot him a look of consternation, sighed and allowed himself to be led up the stairs.

Garrett entered the room first while Anders paused at the door and took a long look around.

“So where’s this painting you were going to show me?”

“I was hoping to model for it, I suppose.”

“So this is how you were planning to show your gratitude for me getting you out of that dungeon.”

“Well, it was your fantasy to be rescued; shouldn’t you be showing me?” Hawke pulled him to bed and began to kiss him.  Anders ran his hands down Garrett’s chest and began to remove his shirt.  Suddenly realizing that this would expose the deep gashes on his left arm, characteristic of the more unacceptable magical schools, he reeled back. He had to buy some time to think. He knew that Anders and more importantly, Justice would never accept that he had dabbled with demons in the past.  Lucky for him, his sudden maneuver had knocked the only candlestick in the room over onto the bed.  The only light in the room now emanated from the fiery sheets.  

Anders scrambled off the bed and cast a quick spell to put out the blaze.

“I just like to keep things hot in the bedroom?”  Garrett quipped. He couldn’t see Anders roll his eyes, but he knew that it happened.

“I don’t think we really need much light anyways.” Anders pushed him back onto the bed. Garrett sighed with regret as Anders broke their kiss in order to finally remove his clothing. He ran his hands over his back and arms feeling the many scars as he went.

“What are all these from?” Anders asked while kissing them slowly.

Garret’s heart raced. What to say?

“I didn’t always have as an accomplished healer nearby as I do now.  Besides, I think they’re, sexy don’t you?”

“I used to be like you, never able to say anything seriously, just to avoid admitting the difficulties of my life.”

“Really? I would have liked to have seen that.”

Anders frowned. “It was so I didn’t have to remember acts of torture.”

“Well, I suppose, we all have our demons, Anders.”


	2. Chapter 2

Garrett closed the door behind him and let out a deep exasperated breath.  Orsino and Meredith were going to be the death of him. One couldn’t stop with the provocations and the other didn’t have the sense to stop responding to them. All Hawke wanted was to curl up in Anders’ arms but he knew that was too much to ask of his love these days.      

“Good day Messere, I hope your visit to town went well.” Bodhan took Garret’s cloak.

“Well, enough.” Hawke began the slow climb up the stairs to his bedroom.  The house had been too quiet since mother’s death.

He went to his desk and looked at the note that Anders had left a few days before. At least this time he’d left a note. It had become more and more common for him to go missing without any explanation.

_Love,_

_Away on business. Will return soon._

_\- A_

The date read three days earlier.  Strange. He was usually gone no more than two. Garrett leaned back in his chair and sighed.  It was hard to pinpoint exactly where they had started to lose touch with each other. He raised his hand to his brow, his sleeve dipping down slightly exposing more scars than ever. That probably had something to do with it. They were harder to hide and it was only a matter of time before Anders found out.  He pushed the sleeves back down with unnecessary force. The power was unimaginable; there was so much he could do to help Anders’ cause if he could only understand. It wasn’t worth losing him over though. The more Anders pulled away, the more Garrett sought comfort in the creatures of the fade.  The more he consorted with demons, the farther away Anders would pull.  Did he know already?

Still, even with all the problems they had been facing, he couldn’t ignore that nagging feeling of worry in the pit of his stomach. Perhaps he should check with other members of the mage underground and make sure that nothing untoward had happened.


	3. Chapter 3

Hawke burst into the chamber, careening halfway into the room before he caught himself; apparently they hadn’t bothered to lock the door. 

The first thing he saw was horrific; Anders, head lolling and arms bound wide and strapped to a table in the back of the cave.  A great grey collar rested heavily on his shoulders to subdue him and the first red stiches had already been pierced through his upper lip.  He looked towards Hawke with an expression of desperation, the blue light of Justice not to be seen.

A dozen or so Qunari stood around in the vast cave.  A mage child in circle robes lay dead on the floor beside the table.  She and Anders must have stumbled into this enclave as they escaped the Gallows on route to the sea. 

His mind reeled as he began to grasp the reality of the situation he was in.  Fortunately, the qunari seemed just as stunned. As he stood, frozen with indecision. An arrow flew through the open door impaling itself on the rock wall just behind his foes, bursting in prismatic glory. Immediately, the room came to motion. The Qunari lifted their spears, hurling them with great force through the air.  Arrows rained through the door as Varric shot a consistent barrage of cover fire. Not knowing how to process what he just witnessed, Hawke scrambled back out the entrance to the cave and behind him.   He need to refocus. Out of the corner of his eye he could see a slight shadow as Isabela slipped into the cavern and behind the deadly foes.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Think.

Two heavy Qunari spears hit the stone doorframe with loud thuds as Hawke dove to imagined safety. He heard a groan from Varric and turning onto his back, cast a barrier spell over the passage opening.  He turned to see Varric, slumped, his right arm hanging lifelessly, a spear balanced precariously where it joined with the rest of his body.

“I can help you end this.” Hawke recognized this voice all to well.  He could almost feel Devotion drape her arms around him as she invaded his mind. “You can save them all. Remember what happened to the others without my help.”

Hawke shuddered and pushed away the voice.  Not this time. Not in front of him.

He crawled to Varric and tore the fabric from his sleeve.  Varric’s wounds were bloody, but superficial.

“I’m fine! Bianca won’t let me down.” He continued firing but the arrows bounced harmlessly off the barrier. One ricocheted past Hawke’s ear.

“Nice of you to remember that I’ve always wanted my ear pierced, but I thought something a little more elegant than an arrow might be in order.”  Hawke dodged a few more and chuckled.

“Just go get Blondie!”

No further instruction needed, Hawke let the barrier fall and charged back through, lobbing a fireball as he went.  Two Quanri returned the rush, but were stilled by a well-placed avalanche of ice.  Out of the corner of his eye he could see more fall in the back of the cave.  Isabela seemed to be working her own brand of magic.

Focusing all of his thoughts on a spell and summoning as much energy as he could muster. His mind lifted his two foes in the air and smashed them triumphantly on the ground.  The air rang with the echo of breaking bones.

“Needless, effort” An unfamiliar voice droned at him. Hawke shook his head to clear the thought that seemed so close to his own but wasn’t.

With the door cleared, Hawke ran inside, an occasional arrow speeding past him as Varric continued to fire haphazardly into the cavern.  As he crossed the threshold, Hawke stumbled, feeling pressure on his right leg. He fell to the ground barely remembering to cast a protective aura over himself before waves of pain rolled over him. He looked down and saw a gaping gash that had not yet started to bleed.  It would only be a few seconds before it began to run in crimson rivers.

“It’s already done. Your power is there for the taking.” Still another voice assaulted his thoughts.

Clasping his hand to the wound he stood, holding his staff aloft to maintain his aura of protection. Hawke limped in the direction of Anders. For a moment the onslaught of spears on his aura slackened.   Woozy and confused, Garrett dropped the barrier and hurled another onslaught of fire at a Qunari across from him. He heard a scream as Isabela, who had suddenly materialized behind the great beast, mid stab, was thrown into the stone wall from the force of the blast.

Shit.

Stupid.

Think, Garrett.

Morale crumbling, Hawke fell once again and crawled toward Anders.  Spears clattered and another body fell to the ground beside him. He neared the edge of the rock table and reached for Anders’ hand.  One the opposite side, a Qunari also reached for Anders. He drew his knife and held it against the helpless mage’s throat. 

“Lay down your weapons or he dies.”

The next voice in his Garrett’s head wasn’t so much words as a primal scream of anger wrenching through his body.

He knew this voice well and was ready to take the offer. 

Hawke reached out, drawing from the power flowing out of his leg.  Reaching into the Qunari’s blood and life-force was just too simple.

The creature’s face twisted into a mask of confusion as the knife was lifted and drawn across his own throat. Blood sprayed from the wound, pouring out over Anders body, but Hawke was beyond all consciousness of the consequences to come.  He reached out and pulled further strength from the blood pooled on his love and the table beneath him. It mingled enticingly with the rage that already burned deep within him.  He saw nothing but fire and pain and death. Hawke stood, the pain in his leg forgotten as the power that he wielded sang within his mind. He felt like he would explode as its fury swept away in a fiery torrent of death. But still he wanted more. He would show them all. He would show Anders who he really was. Someone who would always protect him. He would make Anders proud.

“I will not lose a single one”

He turned his gaze slowly around the room and as his eyes lit on each Qunari, they began to writhe and follow his command.  Their minds were taken from them and replaced by his desire.  They turned to one another and began to strike out against their comrades. They did not strike to kill. Hawke had something better in mind. Their cries of anguish echoed through the cavern as they slowly dismembered their kin.  They would feel as he felt.  They would die tortured and alone watching their friends die at their own hands, powerless to stop it.  Those not under Hawke’s control fled and those still alive in the cavern were commanded to follow.  As the last of them disappeared from his reach, those that he controlled were sent after the fleeing cowards.  He flashed the last vestiges of sentience from their mind and replaced it with a simple, overriding urge to cause pain. 

Ire howled with malevolence, victorious at last.  He hungered for for more carnage and bloodshed, but the only ones that remained were his friends, broken, both body and mind. With a pang of regret he bade the demon farewell and it retreated to find another soul to fill until it was time for Hawke to make payment on their bargain.

As Hawke regained control of his faculties, the room wavered slightly.  He collapsed onto Anders, holding him as close as possible.

Isabela was back on her feet looking less steady than usual.  She staggered over to Anders’ wrists and began cutting them loose. The bonds fell away quickly, but the collar was another matter. It took all of her considerable skill to finally send it crashing to the floor.

Once free, Anders shrugged Hawke’s body away from him. He stared accusingly, Justice welling up inside.

“Please love, don’t look at me like that.  We were desperate.” Hawke stepped back allowing just enough space to avoid being grabbed and shaken when Anders’ fury was unleashed.

“That was not a simple act of desperation!”

Hawke dodged his advance again, not knowing what to say.

“I think I’ll leave the two of you to discuss this.” Isabela began to slink away.

“Yes, I think Varric could use some help outside.” Hawke replied avoiding Anders’ gaze.

Anders spun on Isabela.

“Did you know about this?”

She lowered her head and walked away.

“Did everyone know but me?”

Hawke kicked the dirt of the cave floor and refused to raise his head.

“Are you not going to say a single word about the atrocity you just committed? I’ve come to expect this behavior from Merrill but to find that you’ve been partaking, and behind my back no less, is inexcusable.”

Hawke could control himself no longer and straightened in defense.

“Are you saying that if you saw your friends about to die, saw me about to be killed, and no strength was left in you, no mana left to draw from, that you would stand there and do nothing? Maybe try and punch a Qunari in the face or something? “

“Justice and I would have stood by you.  Fought with you.”

“They were going to slit your throat.”

“If I’d been killed at least I would have died not knowing what you really are.” The words stung.

“Let’s just go Anders. Let’s just leave and not look back. You’re safe now, but I don’t think it will stay that way for long.”

A look of disgust crossed Anders’ face.  That same wrinkled nose that just three short years ago had made Hawke laugh and want to kiss every inch of him now was paired with drips of blood slowly running down his lips and onto his chin. Mingled with blood on chest from the Qunari, it was much more sinister.   Anders hair was free from its normal ties and had hung in tangles from fighting to escape his bonds. Though the marks of the collar still remained, Justice was too strong to be subdued completely. Hawke could catch the tiniest tinge of blue starting to form in the whites of his eyes.

“I have to say it’s actually a bit of a relief for you to know.  I’ve been trying to shield you from it for so long that…”

“How long?”

What?

“How. Long.”

“Since we found out about my father.”

His eyes narrowed further and Hawke felt as though he could sear his soul with a single look. He’d never seen such intensity in purely amber eyes.  This was all Anders. It was chilling to think that the anger that he had always attributed to Justice was just as much his.  It had probably been there all along.  Did Hawke ever even know him at all? Did he ever really know Hawke?

“He didn’t want you to think of him this way.  And this is how you repay him?  This is how you show your gratitude for all he did for you?  Using him as an excuse to submit to your darkest urges?”

“But don’t the ends justify the means?  Wouldn’t you sacrifice everything to save one mage?  That’s all I did. I just wanted you to be safe. I couldn’t fail again.”

“It’s not the same, Hawke. “ He hadn’t called him Hawke in nearly three years.  It was always, love, or Garrett. Never Hawke.

“ _You_ couldn’t fail again.  It wasn’t about me or Varric or Isabela.  _You_ couldn’t let that happen. It’s the power. It’s what blood mages need.”

“I’m _not_ a blood mage.  I just use it when absolutely necessary. It’s not like I’ve let myself be _possessed_.”

“I see. Well, like it or not that is who you are and I will not stay with someone who would sell out himself for power. Since you’re both on such good terms with demons, perhaps you could trade me in for Merrill.  Don’t think I haven’t noticed you two sneaking around and whispering to one another around town.”

Anders turned to walk out of Hawke’s life. 

“I can’t believe how wrong I was about you.”

Hawke crumbled to the floor. “Please.” His voice was thick.

“I didn’t mean that.” His chest burned and felt as though a gaping hole would rend him in two. “I’ve only ever wanted you. I can’t lose you too.  Anything.  I’ll do anything.” He fought back tears. 

Something in Anders seemed to shift.  He looked thoughtful as though a decision bigger than both of them was weighing on his mind. A conversation happening that only he could hear. He heaved a sigh, slouching as he turned his head to partially face Hawke once again.  Despite the slump of his body, his expression was that of steely resolve.

“Don’t ever forget you said that, Hawke. You’re right though, even after all of this, I don’t know if I can bring myself to abandon you, but…” His eyes began to burn with the first vestiges of Justice. “We will have words later.”

Relieved, Hawke stepped toward Anders and pulled him into a rough kiss.  Anders did not reciprocate. “I was serious earlier you know. We don’t have to go back. We could just leave together and start over.”

Anders smiled weakly. “Let’s go home.  I’ll do my best to fix up Varric and Isabela and then I have work to do.”

“Work? But, love…  Look at you.”  Hawke fingered the red string still hanging from Anders’ mouth.  He tried to brush away the dried blood from his lips.

“Nothing a change of clothes won’t fix.” Anders replied, fixating on the Qunari blood on his coat.

“You need rest. Let me take care of you. Let me start trying to make up for what I’ve done.” Hawke rested his head on Anders’ shoulder and whispered into his ear. “I miss you.”

“I’m right here, Hawke.”

Hawke took Anders’ hand. It didn’t soften at his touch and was far too cold. 

No, he wasn’t.


End file.
